Since I moved to the country 4 months ago - which feels like no time and forever all at once - I’m realizing that all of my friends have transitioned into what I call ‘long distance besties’. While this title had been reserved for friends in New York, LA, London, Montreal, and the like, Toronto has now been absorbed by the category even though it’s only an hour away. My local friendships are becoming redefined as we connect via phone calls, voice notes, and DMs, as opposed to walks in the park, weeknight pho, or wine-filled weekends. When I see my friends in person, I feel more present and able to savor the moment because it is now a special occurrence. In many ways this makes me feel uneasy and mournful, but on the other hand, time spent and connection feels that much more sacred, especially in a moment where being able to hold your loved ones close feels like a privilege.
You may or may not remember that two weeks ago, I had declared that I was abstaining from alcohol until the holidays. From the most superficial angle, these decisions usually come from feeling fed up with bad nights of sleep and skin problems, but if I dig deeper, the more connected to my body I become, the more sensitive I am to feeling out of alignment. Overall this is a win, but it comes with more responsibility and decision making. It’s an advanced practice to fight the urge to treat yourself to something because you know you’ll feel like shit and be grumpy about it the whole next day (or two). But last weekend was a time to break my rule. I had two friends visiting from out of province to spend the weekend. We had planned the trip in August, and one of my guests I hadn’t seen in 9 months. When we connected at the beginning of the week, I had let them know that I was taking a break from drinking but to not let that stop them from enjoying themselves. I had a stash of non alcoholic beverages and did some meditating and visualizing on how I would go about the visit without a drink.
As I waited for them to arrive Friday evening, I prepared a roasted tomato and white bean stew, and bitter greens salad with a classic vinagrette. I built a fire in the kitchen, set the table with lots of candles and a freshly foraged bouquet, and it struck me that this was an occasion - a special one at that! Long distance besties traveling to visit, but also to experience my new life in the wake of some very trying demoralizing times. They arrived with plenty of good bread (something that’s hard to find in these parts) and some beautiful bottles of natural wine. It struck me that I truly didn’t know when I would see either of them again, and so, I decided to break my rule and drink some fine wine as we broke bread (and again when we feasted on braised duck legs that we salvaged from an accidental deep freezer thaw on Saturday evening). Upon their Sunday morning departure, I was not filled with one ounce of shame, or regret, but rather I was deeply nourished from our time together that felt authentic and organic, as opposed to me white knuckling through a weekend distracted by my self imposed rule. And guess what? I jumped right back on the horse and will continue with as long as it’s serving me.
Perfection is a mental concept, and a myth that is not only unattainable but often stands directly between our intuition and us. Life is meant to be enjoyable and nourishing. Rather than focusing on setbacks, I like to notice progress and that I am moving in an overall healthy direction. Years ago, I would have either never even considered taking a break from alcohol - it would have felt like a punishment or an unnecessary obstacle - or, if I did, it would have been all or nothing and as soon as I fell off the horse I would’ve said fuck it and given up. Working with your intuition is a skill that requires dedication and the undoing of ingrained habits or beliefs. Consciously choosing to be open to intuition and balancing it with rational thinking tends to make us happier with our choices in the long run. By the way, intuition isn’t to be confused with impulsion, or reactivity; it is an art that requires knowing oneself deeply through solitude, mindfulness, observation, working through challenging emotions, and experimentation. When we are in tune with ourselves, we can then consciously play with structure and freedom in our healing, allowing us to better flow with our unfolding lives.
Fall Panzanella
One rule of mine that I do standby: bread on the weekends. Usually this consists of buttered toast with soft boiled eggs, a mechanism to sop up soup, or a friday night grilled cheese fest. I love good quality sourdough or a dense seeded rye, which are inoffensive to your gut, I just keep it to weekends because I just don’t feel my best when it’s a mainstay of my diet. Croutons are one of my favorite food waste hacks, and I always have a growing bag in my freezer of the last two or three slices of bread (the slices that would only serve a purpose to a doll) and their butts. They are the perfect crouton material since they require little chopping, either in half or quarters, and you can throw them in the oven with olive oil, salt and pepper for about 15 minutes to adorn your soup or salad with extra crunch. This seasonal bread salad has all of the textures and the flavors to satisfy your palate and feels like a warm hug.
1 lb brussel sprouts, washed, chopped, and trimmed
1 delicata squash, seeded, and cut into half moons
1 brick halloumi, sliced
1 small fistfull of parsley, washed, leaves picked
2 cups cubed bread
2 tbsp za’atar
1 and a half lemons, juiced
1 tbsp date molasses (or honey)
Salt + pepper
Olive Oil
Preheat your oven to 425. On separate baking sheets, toss the brussel sprouts and squash respectively with olive oil, salt, pepper, and 1 tbsp za’atar. Put into the oven for about 30 minutes, flipping the squash half way through.
At the 15 minute mark, toss the bread with some olive oil, salt, and pepper, and throw in the oven as well until toasted.
While the vegetables cook, sear the slices of halloumi in a pan with olive oil over medium, working in batches.
In a small bowl, combine the juice of one lemon, the date molasses, 2 tbsp of olive oil, salt, and pepper. Whisk and set aside.
When the vegetables are finished, place them in a large bowl and squeeze with the remaining half of a lemon and toss. Then, add in the croutons, and the halloumi, by tearing the slices into bite sized pieces. Throw in the parsley, pour over the dressing and give everything a good toss. Serve immediately